


Dolor

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: Camelove 2021 [7]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Hopeful Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Royal Politics, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29424783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Arthur is to be betrothed to Mithian, and Merlin isn't sure he can stay in Camelot to watch.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Camelove 2021 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2151495
Comments: 14
Kudos: 70
Collections: Camelove 2021





	Dolor

**Author's Note:**

> [@Camelove2021](https://camelove2021.tumblr.com/) Day 7 - Free Day
> 
> I just want to say a huge, huge, huge thank you to the mods who made this event possible. You've all been absolutely incredible, always diligent with asks and reblogs, always positive, and just generally so amazing. I - and I doubt I'm the only one - am so grateful to have had something so objectively positive in amongst the mess of this year, and so thank you for making this happen. All the kudos to you <3
> 
> A second huge thank you to everyone who has left kudos or comments on any of my submissions for this event. I know we _shouldn't_ write for validation, but seeing all your lovely messages certainly doesn't hinder motivation. Some days waking up to your amazing comments has gotten me through, so infinite thanks for that. Kudos to you all, too <3

A small bird - perhaps a dunnock, though Merlin was far from an expert in ornithology - flew down from a branch before him. It twittered loudly, then took a tentative hop forward, watching Merlin with a beady eye. Merlin watched right back as it hopped again. It stopped, looked left and right, then quickly pecked at the ground. As soon as the worm it was after was in its mouth, it took off to the sky. Merlin watched it until it had disappeared into the canopy of the forest above. He sighed once it was out of sight, and returned his chin to rest on his knees as he hugged them to his chest.

The anger he had felt before had dissipated into a quieter, aching sadness as he sat alone in the forest. There was debris all around him from his outburst, singed leaves and scattered dirt. He hadn’t lost control of his magic like that since he was a child, but he was having a hard time of keeping his thoughts together these days, and that was far from ideal when trying to cast a spell. 

He knew it was stupid, _he_ was being stupid. Really, what had he expected? Falling in love with a prince, there was only one way for it to end. He was but a lowly servant, he had no connections, no prospects. Of course Arthur was to marry a Princess, love had never been a consideration in the matter - it had always only ever been about forging an alliance with another kingdom. At least, Merlin told himself so. It hurt far more to consider that one day Arthur might find himself in love with the woman who was to be his wife. He knew he would be forced to watch them together, day in and day out, observing the façade of the marriage. It would hurt all the more if the façade turned out to be real.

Merlin jumped at a sudden bird call from above. “Wrens,” came a voice from the forest beside him, and when he turned his head to look, he found Arthur entering the clearing. “They’re surprisingly loud. The forest is full of them.”

He stood a little way away, hands clasped in front of him, standing a little too straight to appear casual. He cast a look at the debris surrounding Merlin, but was good enough not to say anything. Merlin turned his attention back to the forest floor, trying to curl in on himself even more. He wanted to make himself smaller and smaller until he vanished out of existence. He could live amongst the particles of magic that the wind carried in the air, and forget all about Camelot and this life he had in it.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur finally said after the silence had stretched between them for what felt like hours.

“It’s not your fault,” Merlin replied, rubbing his nose and pointedly not looking up. He shrugged for good measure. “I understand.”

“I don’t think you do,” Arthur countered, and Merlin heard his footsteps as he came closer; the twigs snapping underfoot. He loitered at Merlin’s side for a moment before sitting down on the dirty floor next to him. They were close enough for their shoulders to brush, and when Merlin inhaled, the scent of Arthur’s soap reached his nose. “I don’t have a choice.”

“I know,” Merlin pressed, pulling a face.

This wasn’t a conversation they needed to have - he’d had it with himself a million times over. Arthur had to marry well for the good of the kingdom, whatever that meant for the two of them. Merlin was but a servant, and Arthur was the future King, they were doomed before they had even begun. Merlin had heard enough gossip around the castle to know that it wasn’t uncommon for Kings or Princes to have affairs with servants. He’d heard rumour of more than one illegitimate child across the kingdoms. He understood what his role had been in the grand scheme of courtly life.

“If I did--”

“You don’t,” Merlin cut him off. 

He didn’t need Arthur’s pity, that was worse than anything. Nor did he need false promises. Arthur was all but betrothed to Mithian now, and it would undoubtedly be a short engagement. It would be more of a kindness for this to be over now, than for Merlin to have to watch it happen. Perhaps he could return to Ealdor. He was a man now, he was in control of his powers, he felt he was long past anything Gaius could teach him. As for destiny, Kilgharrah would have to find someone else to lead Arthur to Albion. He could just go. There were other servants, and Gwen and Gaius could visit whenever they wanted. There was nothing else in Camelot for him.

“If I _did_ ,” Arthur stressed, leaning closer into Merlin’s space, “It would be no question.”

“Mithian is the best choice for Camelot,” Merlin said, trying not to let his voice break as he finally lifted his head to meet Arthur’s eye.

Merlin stared at Arthur, trying to memorise his features. He would take these with him, when he left. He would have them burned into the backs of his eyelids so he would need only ever close his eyes to see Arthur’s face. He would remember him smiling, laughing, would remember him in the throes of passion, and the quiet bliss afterwards. The memories would be enough to sustain him for a lifetime, he should think. One day there might even be another who set his soul alight in this way, but he wouldn’t dare dream too far. 

“But not for me,” Arthur whispered, looking at Merlin right back.

“Arthur--” Merlin wanted to protest, but was stopped by Arthur kissing him.

He tried to remember this, too. The feel of Arthur’s lips against his, the hand warm on his side through the layers of his clothes, the eyelashes tickling his cheek. He would never get enough of this, of having Arthur close, malleable under his palms as he moved to cup Arthur’s jaw, relenting in a way he so rarely did anywhere else. He felt the tears begin to slip down his cheeks before he could stop them, and that only made him want to kiss Arthur harder. If this was to be his last, then he wanted it engrained on his skin for the rest of his life.

“Merlin,” Arthur mumbled against his mouth, and that was too much. Merlin pulled away and stood up in one movement, gasping for breath around the ache in his lungs. He felt this was something Gaius should see to, the full body effects of heartbreak. “Merlin,” Arthur repeated, standing behind him and placing a gentle hand on Arthur’s shoulder.

“Please don’t,” Merlin begged, turning around, voice small. “Don’t,” he repeated, a little stronger this time. “Just-” He took a shaky breath, sniffed sharply, and wiped at his eyes. “Let me go.” Arthur was already shaking his head. “It’s for the best.” 

“I can’t,” Arthur replied, just as desperate, his own eyes beginning to fill with tears.

“You have to,” Merlin insisted, taking a step away.

“No,” Arthur took a step forwards to counter the space, then another so he could take Merlin’s hands in his and tug them closer. “I can’t. I love you, Merlin.”

“You’re going to marry Mithian,” Merlin reminded him, trying to be gentle, and to stay strong, but the tears were still slipping down his cheeks.

“I won’t,” Arthur pressed, tugging them even closer. “We can run away together. We could find some land somewhere and settle where no one will bother us!”

Merlin looked at the man in front of him, the man he loved more than anything in the world, and saw the man he would break his own heart for. “You would never abandon Camelot, you care too much about your people.” He didn't add that that was one of the things he loved most about him.

Arthur opened his mouth as if to protest, but realised there was no rebuttal. He dropped Merlin’s hands only to pull him in by his waist. He rested his head against Merlin’s shoulder, and Merlin wrapped his arms around him to stroke slow, gentle circles on his back. They stood like that a while - how long, Merlin wasn’t sure - embracing in the clearing in the forest. Eventually Merlin’s tears dried and some of the pressure eased in his chest, and from somewhere he found the strength to pull away.

“Arthur,” he said gently.

“Don’t go,” Arthur insisted, but he wasn’t so frantic now. His eyes still held the desperation as they bored into Merlin’s, but they were devoid of tears. “Not yet. Please. Let me try and find a way fix this for us. _Please_.” He swallowed thickly. “Please don’t give up on me now.”

Merlin could do nothing but pull Arthur in for another kiss, then wrap his arms around him. He didn’t dare let himself believe that there was a way to resolve this situation. Destiny seemed to mould his life, and it felt destined that he could never have Arthur the way he wanted him. But he followed Arthur back to the castle later that day, and he slept wrapped in his arms that night, and he promised to give Arthur time to fix everything. Something dangerous sprouted in his chest as he did - something like hope.

**Author's Note:**

> why am i ending this lovely little merlin fest with angst? who can say. sadism, probably :/
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! (i also just want to reiterate my thanks from above, because to everyone who already has left comments or kudos on my submissions for comelove, i am eternally grateful!!)
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because uni is so hard, but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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